Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Thing You Dread

Earlier this week I was listening to a song on my MP3 player that I was introduced to on the TV show Person of Interest.  It's called "Revenge" by Danger Mouse and Sparkle Horse (you can listen to it here.)   It was played in the background of some very powerful scenes involving a lost love.  The song is about getting revenge on someone, which doesn't apply to me.  I just like the tune and the way the song sounds.  But there is one line in the song that hit me like a brick this past week.

"Once we've become the thing we dread, 
there's no way to stop."

I know what I dread.  I dread becoming one of those widows who is not happy, but instead, cynical and sarcastic.  The one who doesn't trust anybody.  The one who can't move forward with her life.  I don't want to be that, but sometimes I feel like it is happening anyway.  It's three friggin' years already since he is gone, and I still feel myself becoming one of those widows who thinks her life is going to suck because the love of her life is dead.  I can honestly say that I do not see anything in my future that is seriously worth living for except for my children and down the road, their children.  I know that there will be happy days here and there in my life - graduations, weddings, births - and I look forward to seeing all this stuff happen for my children, but I don't see anything wonderful happening for me.  I feel as though I'm only existing instead of living.  I can't think of anything I want to do with my life.  I have thoughts about this or that, but nothing that could possibly bring me the same feeling of love and contentment that I felt when Bobby was here.

I don't want to be that widow.  I'm trying very hard not to be, but the song is correct....once I become this widow, how will I stop?  Am I there yet?  I don't know, but I feel it happening, and while I know it is my responsibility to get myself out of it, I really, seriously, don't know how to stop it.