Thursday, September 20, 2012

Remember When?

People who have not experienced loss of a spouse do not realize that for the most part, we, the surviving spouses, really appreciate when the name of our late spouse is mentioned.  We love hearing others talk about them, and are not offended or saddened when they are brought up in conversation.

Last night, I went to "Back-to-School-Night" at the high school where my kids attend school. Many years ago, Bobby worked there for a couple of years as a Technician, and he became friendly with most of the Business Education teachers because his office was housed in their building.  These are the people he ate lunch with and joked around with for many years, and he was well liked among the staff.

I was walking my son's daily schedule with the other parents, and during "Third Period", I went to my son's media class and saw the teacher, whom I've known for years due to her friendship with Bobby.  She was happy to see me, and after her presentation for the parents, commented to me how much my son reminded her of Bobby.  "Not so much in looks, but in his mannerisms."  It's true, my younger son does have a lot of Bobby's mannerisms.  She told me that she still misses him and her eyes even welled up.  I thanked her and hurried off to Biology, Fourth Period, where that teacher also commented on the same thing about my son's mannerisms.  She, too, was friends with Bobby and told me about the long chats they would have in the halls on her lunch break. 

Later on, during my son's "lunch period", I stopped to see the teachers in the Business Department Teacher's Room, to say hello.  I was greeted with smiles and hugs.  The media teacher who I had seen earlier was there, and we reiterated our conversation for the others on how much my son's mannerisms match my husband's, and how much he looks like him, except that he is a blond, while my husband had dark brown, almost black, hair.  I told them, "My mother-in-law told me that Bobby was a blond when he was younger, too.  It got darker as he got older."  One of the other teachers there who was close to Bobby chuckled and added, "Then it turned gray."  We all laughed at his comment, because it was true, Bobby was going gray and his hair was about 50% gray when he passed away.  

It felt so good to have him mentioned and talked about as though he was still there.  It warms my heart to know that this group of people still think about him and feel comfortable enough to talk to me about him and joke about him, as if here were in the room.

Maybe he was......

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney and Co.

I always feel so let down when I come across something that I forgot about that Bobby left before he died. I really wish I could get to that point where I smile, instead, but it still makes me sad, 29 months later.

I have TIVO, and for those who are not familiar with TIVO, it's a DVR system that allows you to record programs from TV. There is a feature that allows you to set "Season Passes" by keywords...for example, if you like snowboarding, you could type in "snowboarding" and TIVO will record programs that it finds about snowboarding (based on the descriptions provided by the networks). You could also record by actor name and several other choices. You can then turn the season passes on and off as needed without deleting them.

I was looking through the season passes today to see if I had set a season pass for a particular program. When the list came up on the screen, there they were...all the season passes Bobby had set before he died. He loved old movies, so he had season passes set for Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney, Gary Cooper, Fred Astaire, and so many others from the same era.

I had that strange feeling again...the one that for a split second transports me back to the love and contentment I felt when he was alive, then suddenly thrusts me back into the present where he is no longer. I then have to go through all the feelings again, the feelings I've felt in the last 29 months, all over again, only this time on fast-forward, coming out on the other side feeling very sad....again.

Why can't I just see reminders of him and smile? When is that going to happen?