Friday, May 25, 2012

"But I Don't Wannnnnnna......."

I'm not a whiner by nature. Luckily for me, neither are my kids, even when they were toddlers. I never had to listen to that incessant whining that kids tend to do, and my mom says she didn't have to listen to it either, when I was little. I guess it runs in the family.

However, there are times when I want to whine. I want to stomp my foot. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream, "But I don't wannnnnnna...." What is it that I don't want to do?


Well, it's sort of a quandary for's something that I want to do, at least in my head, but not-so-much in my heart. I get so aggravated when someone tells me how great I'm doing. Instead of accepting the compliment gracefully, all I want to do is stomp my foot and scream, "But I don't want to heal...stop saying that!" I can't help but feel that healing means that I've forgotten about Bobby; the love that we had for each other; and the life that we shared. If I heal, then I am dissing him and our past.

But am I?

I am, as they say, caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to heal, but if I heal does it mean I'm forgetting about him? Am I saying to the world, "Look, I didn't need him. I'm fine without him!" That is not the person I want to be. I want to honor him always, with everything I choose to do.

But if I don't heal, am I portraying a woman who is weak with a codependent personality who can't make sensible decisions, raise her boys and live on her own? I don't want to be that person, either.

I wish there was a third choice. Maybe I'll have to invent it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Walk-Through

For those of you new to this blog, or for those who may have forgotten, Bobby and I worked together for the same organization. He was the IT Manager.

There are several buildings in our organization. Bobby, being the IT Manager, would visit the individual buildings from time to time when needed, which was rare. He was amazingly able to run the whole organization from his office, home, even from overseas when we were on vacation and his boss was sending him emails begging him to fix things that only he could fix.

Presently, our building is being set up for complete wireless access as of the fall, so the IT people are constantly doing walk-throughs in our building. One of the main computer hubs is less than six feet from my desk, so in the past week, I've seen these guys three times...our building technician, the vendors, and the not-so-new IT Manager.

The new IT Manager is a good guy. He was actually pallbearer at Bobby's funeral, and Bobby thought very highly of him. But he is not Bobby. And every time those guys come into my room where my desk is, all that goes through my head is that Bobby would be the one doing the walk through, and we would get to see each other at work, which we both enjoyed, since it rarely happened.

We liked seeing each other at work. One time, when no one was looking, we even stole a kiss goodbye when he was off to another building. Usually when he would be in my building, we would say goodbye and shake hands as a joke because we never parted company without kissing each other goodbye.

It was fun working for the same organization as my husband. Some people would not like it, but we both enjoyed it. In the 11 years that we worked together, we only worked on two small projects together, served together on one committee and attended one training session together. We loved working together. It's another loss to add to the big long list of losses that I suffered when he died.

I think I need a new job.