Friday, December 28, 2012

It's NOT OK to Cry Sometimes

Some days are not meant for tears, no matter how much they want to come.

Experts and non-experts alike say that when you want to cry in grief, that you should cry.  It's healthier than holding it in and it helps the grieving process.  I agree with this, and there are certainly times where I've cried when it was not a convenient time.  But there are certain times when although it seems appropriate, it's not.  Today was one of those times.

My older son got passed his driver's test today, and he called me from the test center to tell me he passed and that I should meet him at the local DMV to apply for the license.  He was so excited!  When I got to the DMV, he was not there yet, so I grabbed a few forms for him to fill out and got in line.  While I was in line, I had a sudden overwhelming feeling of missing Bobby.  His son was getting his driver's license...a big step for a teenager, and all I wanted to do was cry because Bobby was not here to share in the experience, not only for his sake but for my son's sake as well. 

But it was not appropriate.  I did not want to steal my son's thunder, rain on his parade, make it all about me, or even all about his dad.  This day was about him, so I kept my tears to myself until I was alone.

Not an easy task, but when you're a widow, AND a mom, there are some things you just gotta do!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm Glad He Was Happy

Two days after Christmas and I haven't posted anything in a long time. Believe me, that's not to say that Bobby has not been on my mind. I think about him a lot all year, but especially during the holiday season when I am not buying him a gift, we are not shopping together for the boys, and we are not snuggled on the couch watching "It's a Wonderful Life" while trying to convince the boys that even black and white movies with no special effects can be really good.

But more than that, what's been on my mind is that I'm glad he was a happy person.  He really was...he even loved his job, which is not something I can say about most people I know.  The last part of the eulogy that I wrote for him that was read at his funeral said, "Many years before he got sick, I asked him what was on his bucket list. He said he didn't have one. He had a unique ability to find happiness and contentment with what he had." I say this because I've learned from him that death can come at almost any time and while we are here on earth we have to make the most of the time we have.

So that is how I am living my life and teaching my boys to live theirs, too. That is why I gave them a unique and fabulous Christmas.

Does it mean that I am no longer afraid of what my life will be after they leave and I am alone? No, of course not! I still fear that time! (See second and fifth paragraphs of this post). I still haven't figured out what I am going to do all by myself.  But I want to model myself after Bobby. I want to get to that point in my life where I am content with what I have, and I know that is going to be tough.

At least now I have a goal.