Sunday, July 29, 2012

Plastic Roses

One of my favorite entertainers is Stevie Nicks. She sings the song, "Sometimes It's a Bitch" (written by Billy Falcon and Jon Bon Jovi), which is a great song, about taking the good with the bad. Her song lyrics elude to the fact that given the choice she wouldn't change anything in her life, even the bad. (You can view the lyrics here and listen to song here.)

I was totally on board with her until Bobby died. Now, of course, there is something I would change. (It's not rocket science.....)

One of the lines of the song is, "Sometimes it's roses, sometimes it's weeds." Meaning that in life we have good days (the roses) and bad
days (the weeds). I used to think this was true. Before Bobby died, of course I would have good days and bad days, and let me tell you, the good days were truly "roses" while the bad ones were certainly "weeds". But after a "weed" day, or even a series of "weed" days, eventually the roses would bloom again, and all was right with my little world once again.

Things are different now, though.

As a widow, I still have "rose" days and "weed" days. My "rose" days have consisted of many different things, for example, my trip to Paris, the cruise I took with my kids, just spending time with friends and family, New Years Eve in Times Square, to name a few. But I've noticed that my "rose" days are no longer truly the same as the "rose" days pre-widowhood. They are plastic roses. No matter what I am doing, no matter how much fun or how happy I seem to be, there is always sadness and pain lurking in my heart.

And that fact alone makes me feel sadder still. Will I ever have a day again when the roses are real?

Friday, July 13, 2012

Tears? Now?

OK...something is seriously wrong when you are about to step onto a Disney Cruise Ship and you burst out into tears.

But there I was on Sunday afternoon, on Pier 88 in Manhattan, getting ready to go up the walkway onto the ship and I burst out into tears.


Because the Disney Cruise was Bobby's favorite vacation that we ever took as a family. We took the boys on 2 Disney Cruises when they were younger. (They were 5 & 8, then 7 & 9 when we went on the last two). It all started because Bobby, who said he would NEVER go on a cruise, saw a special on the Travel Channel sometime around 2002 about the Disney Cruise and was sold, hook, line and sinker (pun intended), and bugged me about it until we were able to afford it. When we got there, he was like a little kid on the ship. I can honestly say I don't know who had a better time, Bobby or the boys.

After that last cruise, the kids never let up and bothered us, then me, every summer since then to go on another Disney Cruise. I finally relented and chose a cruise out of NYC so we wouldn't have to fly anywhere, which would cut down on the cost. We got very excited getting ready for the cruise, even though they are now 14 & 16. Granted, they ditched me most of the time to go to the teen hangout, Vibe, where they made tons of friends to hang out with until two in the morning.

But there I was, on the pier, ready to board and the tears came. I looked at the woman waving the big Mickey Mouse hand and wondered what was going through her head. But I couldn't stop those tears, and I hate that because as I've said before, they come at some very inopportune times. I also didn't want to bum out the boys, but they were patient and completely understanding. How did I get such sensitive and patient kids?

I was able to compose myself rather quickly, boarded on the ship, and had a great time the rest of the cruise. I even had my picture taken with Goofy.