Sunday, May 30, 2010

He Lives On

I have never in my life gone through so many emotions, some simultaneously, as when I lost my husband to cancer. So I thought I might start this blog to try to describe some of these feelings. It's not going to be as straightforward as I thought. My mind moves a lot faster than my fingers on the keyboard.

I never thought I would be a widow at my age. It's something that you think only happens to old people and occasionally an unlucky young person here or there, (the youngest I heard of was 24 years old), but you never think it will happen to you. Bobby (my husband) and I used to joke around that I would out-live him, based on statistics. He was 9 years older than me, he was male, and the women in my family have a habit of living really long anyway. I guess I always knew it would happen, but I figured I would be at least in my 70s! Never thought it would be in my 40s.

The day that they told me he was going to pass, I set up my Ipod and played his favorite songs for him. I talked to him all day. I gave him lots of kisses and hugs. I loved lying next to him and hugging him while he rested. When he died...I mean the minute that I found out, was very sad and almost it wasn't true. The love of my life was gone, how could that possibly be? He was still at my side, I could touch him and kiss him, so it couldn't be true. When the priest came to give him last rites, I could barely hold myself together but there were all these people around and I could not fall apart with them all around. So I didn't. I can't figure out how, but I didn't.

However, I could not stay in the house alone. I mean, the kids were home, but I needed someone else. My sister offered to stay, and just knowing she was on the couch was a comfort but to this day I don't know why it was. It wasn't like she was in the room with me or anything, and we didn't even talk to each other after we said "Good Night"...we just went to sleep.

I guess my point is that I was feeling emotions that I didn't even know existed. It goes beyond sadness. It doesn't even have a name. Grief doesn't even describe it. Grief is just a part of it, as is sadness. I cannot think of one word in the English language to describe the emotions that I dealt with on that day, and still deal with today, 6 1/2 weeks later, on a daily basis. I can tell you though, that none of it is good. There is no silver lining when losing a husband. All those sayings about making lemonade out of lemons do not apply here. When people tell me he is in a better place, I have a hard time with that, too. His place is with me. We were like one person. When he died, half of me died, too, that will never come back to life. But I'm still whole, because half of him lives on in me. I talk to him every day and look for signs of him talking to me. And dammit...he does.

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