Monday, August 2, 2010

All Widows are Not Built the Same

Every so often I will look on the Internet for information about being a young widow. It's sort of like looking for the one website, the one person, (most likely a widow) that will have the magic words that I've been waiting for, the words that will take all my pain away once and for all.

It never happens.

What I find instead are an interesting mix...and none of them seem to have the magic words. On FB, I find that the widows there are very understanding an supportive. When they don't know what to say, they just post {{HUGS}} which can be comforting, too. I like knowing that others understand my pain. And I don't mean that in a Schadenfreude way, either.

But there are young widows that I can't say I have a lot in common with. Yes, we've shared the loss of our husbands, and we are raising children on our own. But one widow insists that if we had a love so great and so rare with our deceased husband, that we will find it again. I think she is dead wrong, with the operative word in the previous sentence being "rare". There is no man in this world that could live up to the man my husband was. Not only did he love and cherish me, but he respected me in a way that even my friends in good marriages don't have. He never once, in almost nineteen years, chose TV over me. Never did he ever obviously and outright admire another woman in my presence even though I'm sure he did, being a red-blooded-American-male. All his co-workers have told me on multiple occasions, even before he was sick, that his face would light up whenever he mentioned my name. He loved to see me smile, so he would do whatever it took to see me smile. And he had an uncanny way of making me feel "pretty". Not just "attractive", you know, the word we use when someone is not pretty, but not ugly, either. He made me feel genuinely pretty, even after gaining the second-child-C-section-muffin-top.

I've also read other widows writing about how they've changed so much, that maybe their once-beloved no longer would date them if they met today! I find that a bit absurd. Yes, this can be true if the marriage was not a good one. But my husband and I brought out the best in each other, so anybody that I may become in the future will certainly be someone that he would love. I've already become the best person that I can be, thanks to him. (And vice-versa) I would never change so much that he would no longer "fit into" my life if he were here.

Then they talk about dating. Dating?!?! I cannot imagine dating. Like I said earlier, what we had was so rare, nobody could ever make me feel the way he did. I just feel like if I were to go out and date someone that I would be telling Bobby, my beloved, "Well, dude, you left so I'm moving on. Your loss. Adios." I would never say that to him, either explicitly nor implicitly. I like keeping my house the way it was when he was here (except for the absolute necessities, like replacing a garage door that could've fallen on someone's head and killed them). I've moved his clothing around a little bit with the change of the seasons, but not any more than I would have if he were still here. And through the funeral home, I was able to get a charm for a necklace that has engraved on it his fingerprint from his left ring finger, the finger where he wore his wedding band, which has since taken up residence around my neck on another chain. My wedding band hasn't moved. It is still exactly where it belongs since 11/6/99...on my left ring finger. I'm even considering a tattoo with his name or initials on it, and ask any of my friends...I would never before even consider a tattoo!

Some people may believe that I am one Brady short of a bunch to become a walking monument to Bobby, but this is what makes me feel "OK". (I never feel "good".) Many people have pointed out to me that my wedding vows said, "...until death do us part." I'm by no means an overly religious person, but didn't Jesus say, "He who believes in me never dies"? Well, Bobby was not overly religious, either, but we are Christian (we called ourselves Christian-Lite), and he did believe in Jesus, so doesn't that mean he hasn't died either?

Food for thought.....


  1. Interesting thoughts, but do you think you'll feel the same way about all of this in a year? Two? Five?

    (P.S. I know you're not talking about me!)

  2. Nope, not talking about you! I just "met" you...this was earlier, someone else.

    I believe that I will always feel this way.l Bobby was my soulmate. I was pretty cynical when I was younger and never believed in that sort of stuff before I met him. I never believed that a man could love a woman so much before I met him. When I met him, I was in my 20s, and all the guys I met before him were all about sex so when he came along and LOVED me for ME (my intelligence, my personality, my love of animals), I thought, and still believe, that he is one-of-a-kind and no one out there will ever make me feel so special.

  3. PS...besides, the thought of any man besides Bobby looking at me, let alone TOUCHING me, makes my skin crawl. I still wear my wedding band so that they don't even look.

    I know that remarriage works well for some people, and I'm really happy for them, but I'm sure I'm not one of them.