New Year's Eve

I know this might sound a little nutty, but for me, New Year's Eve is going to be the hardest holiday to go through without Bobby. Some people might think it would be Christmas or my anniversary, but tonight, New Year's Eve, will be the hardest.

I know everyone's traditions and situations are different, but for me, on Christmas Eve and Christmas, I was missing him badly, but I was so busy and surrounded by my family and I was in constant movement...serve appetizers, serve dinner, clean up, open gifts, serve dinner, clean up again. Not a lot of time to think until everyone left, then cried and went to bed.

It so happens this year, on my anniversary, I had made plans for some home repair to be done, since it was a Saturday and I'd be home. And truthfully, we never really celebrated our anniversary on "the day" most of the time simply because if it fell on a weekday, we had to go to work that day and more than likely drive the kids somewhere that evening. So I got through that. (I'm not saying it was easy, but there were distractions).

But in my lifetime, New Years has always been all about midnight, couples, and the kiss. Every year, at midnight, no matter who we were spending it with, all the couples would stand next to their spouses, count down backwards, and at midnight, kiss each other, and then hug and kiss the kids. I kissed him for the last nineteen New Years Eve's and planned on kissing him for a lot more than that, but tonight I won't be able to do it.

So New Years has gone from "fun with friends and the kiss at midnight" to just another blaring opportunity for loneliness to rear it's ugly head. It is so hard to get my head around the fact that I will never again get a New Year's kiss. Maybe I'll just go to bed at 9:00.

Missing...

Well, it's Christmas evening, I'm home with my PJ's on, and the festivities are over. My boys are busying themselves around the house and I'm here with my laptop. I made it through my first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without Bobby, although I had my moments where the loneliness was both physically painful and absolutely unbearable.

I put up the tree and decorated the house (sans mistletoe). I shopped at the mall. I managed to entertain yesterday, since I couldn't bear the thought of my house being empty. I watched my kids open their presents this morning; I even managed to take pictures. I went to my sister-in-law's today to have Christmas dinner, and celebrate my nine-year-old niece's Christmas birthday. I gave and received presents, and tried the vodka-spiked punch and had some cake. I even laughed with my four-year-old niece who can be very entertaining. But something was missing....

I'm not talking about the obvious...of course Bobby was missing, that is a given. But there was - is - something else missing...and that is joy. No matter what I do or where I go or who I am with, there is no longer any joy in my heart. I was one of those people who really enjoyed Christmas and the whole season...I never wanted or wished it to be over like some people do. But the joy of the season, even the every day joy that people experience, is gone. It's just gone, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

Merry Christmas, Bobby, where ever you are. I miss you....

Black

OK, I guess at some point I had to address this issue.

Yes, I wear black. I’ve been wearing black since the day after Bobby died. I’ve been told its “creepy”. I’ve also been told I’m too old to be “goth” – that it is a “high school thing”. Recently, several friends, relatives and colleagues have asked me after the six month mark when I am going to stop. My answer? "When I open my drawer one day and I want to wear something else." It's intrinsic. The choice must come from within.

The tradition comes down from my ethnic heritage; my grandmother wore black for a year after my grandfather died. I wasn’t even born yet at the time, so I don’t know if she just stopped wearing black exactly one year and one day after it happened, or not. It’s just that it felt right when I started, and still feels right. The only time I don’t wear black is when I am wearing Bobby’s clothing around the house, which consists of his pajama pants, his t-shirts and his fuzzy bathrobe.

It’s not like I’m wearing a long black gown and a black lace veil to go with it. I still wear modern clothes (black jeans, corduroys, dress pants) and normal black blouses and sweaters with various embellishments – I even bought a black t-shirt for myself that says “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” when I took my kids there over the summer. I don’t feel like I’m being creepy or goth. I’m just doing what I feel like doing. Wearing colors, right now, does not feel right. One of my colleagues recently told me that she cannot believe that someone can wear all black, every day, and still have the wide variety of outfits that I have.

Besides, there are a lot of good things about wearing all black. First and foremost, it was Bobby’s favorite color in clothing and he liked me in black. And you wouldn’t believe how incredibly easy it is to get dressed in the morning for work when all your clothes are the same color. Not to mention the slimming effect....

An "A-HA" Moment?

I was talking to a colleague of mine earlier this week, and I was telling her how I was really surprising myself. I told her that the holiday season was not turning out to be as hard as I thought it was going to be. It confused me, but I thought to myself, wow...maybe I’ll really be OK.

Well...today I had an "A-HA" moment...or should we call it a "DUH" moment instead?

Because it dawned on me tonight...of course the holiday season wasn’t bothering me....because I was ignoring it. I have not listened to any Christmas Carols, opting instead to stick to classic rock. Aerosmith’s Dude Looks Like a Lady is a lot more appealing to me than Celine Dion’s Oh Holy Night. (Well, let’s face it, even before Bobby passed away, we would both probably have made the same choice.) I have not decorated my house yet. Not one thing, except for the Lego Advent Calendar that the kids pulled out just so they could put together the Lego figures. And holiday shopping? I’ve been doing all my holiday shopping on-line. So of course it was not bothering me...because I was not bothering with it.

But that changed today. I dropped my son off at a friend’s house and my other son was at Boy Scouts, so I figured it was a good time to run to the store to pick up some gifts I hadn’t found online. So I went to Kohl’s. As soon as I walked in, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Holly and poinsettias and Christmas trees all around! Slow sappy Christmas songs over the PA. (Thank goodness they weren’t playing Elvis’s Blue Christmas). An inordinate amount of husbands and wives shopping together, and don’t even ask me about the men’s department. (All the shirts I saw that would have looked great on Bobby....)

So boy, was I ever wrong when I spoke to my colleague earlier this week. I’m not handling it well. Not at all. So like the rest of us who are experiencing our first holiday season without our beloved, I’m muddling through the best that I can. I’ll decorate the house for the kids, but I’ll stick to my Classic Rock on the radio. Small doses. That is all I can take right now.