Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Every Picture Tells a Story

I'm having issues. I still can't look at pictures of Bobby.

It's been eighteen months, and I can talk about him to my friends and family and laugh over things he's said and done. I can wear his jacket and bathrobe and feel warm and cozy. I even have a recording of his voice on my computer, whenever I need to hear him say, "I love you."

But aside from my wedding picture, which hangs on the wall at home, and sits on my desk at work, it's so hard for me to look at pictures and videos. I was sorting through some pictures on my computer the other day, and came across a picture of the two of us at one of our son's birthday parties. We were so happy. I started to cry when I looked at him, standing there smiling, holding our son in one arm with his other arm around me. All of a sudden I felt so alone. A ball formed in my stomach. I wanted to be sick. I then looked at my own face in the photo, and I saw something in that face that I have not seen in AGES in the mirror.

It was light. Happiness. Contentment. Ease. How a person looks when they know they are loved. I almost want to say there was a "twinkle in my eye" except for the poor cliche-ness of it. Nowadays, even when I am smiling or laughing, there is still something missing. I wish I could get that look back in my face, but I don't know how! I thought it would just "show up", but so far, I'm still waiting. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get it back.

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