Railroad Tracks

I don't really understand a lot of what people are talking about when they talk about grief. Especially when people get really existential. Phrases like "transform your grief", "you can be closer to your spouse more now than when he was alive", "people choose pain" and "the gifts of death,” confuse me and sometimes even anger me. When I read these things on Facebook or other websites for widowed people I'm probably looking at the computer with a glazed look on my face because most of this stuff makes no sense to me. I'm much more comfortable living in the concrete.

So once in a while, when something comes my way that does make me understand more of what I am going through, I'm thrilled because I'm really tired of not "getting it". Recently, I saw this on the web (and I do not remember where I saw it):

Living with grief is like traveling on a railroad track. One side of the track is sadness and the other side of the track is happiness. When a train travels on a track, it travels on both sides, simultaneously, like a grieving person lives their life, sad and happy, at the same time.

I thought that was great because it's a really concrete illustration of how I feel the majority of the time. It also really helps me because it allows me to give to others who've never been through this a clearer picture of how my life is now.

And it makes a lot more sense than that other stuff!!!!

Weekend in Bed

Don't get too excited, nothing X-rated going on over here.

Last weekend I started to feel like I was getting a head cold, so I got myself a supply of DayQuil and NyQuil and stubbornly plowed my way through the work week, wrongly thinking that if I ignored it, it would go away.

I was wrong.

By Saturday morning, not only had I only gotten worse, but now I had an upset stomach and nausea along with everything else. So I dragged myself to the doctor's office only to find out that not only did I have a sinus infection, but a stomach virus along with it. I was prescribed some antibiotics, (which the doctor warned may upset my stomach - and they did) stopped at ShopRite to get the prescription filled, went home, and crawled into bed. I stayed there until Sunday night when I had no choice but to drag my butt out of bed and take the kids to an important meeting for an upcoming trip they are taking.

Boy did I miss Bobby this weekend! I miss him all the time, but he had a great way with me when I was sick. No, he didn't sit by my bedside the whole time, but he was there to drive me to the doctor's, pick up my prescription, make me tea, bring me my meds, make me toast, and drive the kids to where ever they had to go so I wouldn't have to get dressed and leave my nice warm house in the middle of February. He would also suffer through re-runs of "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Charmed" just to keep me company when I was sick.

However, to give credit where credit is due, I must say that even though I had to pick up my prescription and drive the kids to their meeting, they did help me out when they were home. Of course, where Bobby would stop by my room every so often to see if I needed anything or just spend some time with me, my teens pretty much forgot I was there unless I texted them. Yes, I had to text them across a small three bedroom ranch house, but they did bring me something to drink when I asked, and my oldest even made me something to eat.

So even though I had some help, it wasn't the same. And again, it was one of those situations that magnified the fact that he is gone. And that pain is something that the antibiotics can't help.

Unexpected Surprise

Boy, did I get a surprise in my email the other day! It was from the Circle of Moms Online Community saying that this blog was nominated to the Top 25 Moms with Inspiring Families - 2012 list on Circle of Moms! I was so shocked, yet pleasantly surprised. If you're enjoying my blog, please vote for me every day between now and March 7. The link is to the right (the pink circle).

Thank you so much!!

Hearts and Flowers and Candy...Oh My!

Yes, I’m being sarcastic.

I’ve turned into one of those “single” people who considers Valentine’s Day a big joke. (I use the word "single" lightly since I really don't feel "single" either, but that is a subject for another post.) I can’t stand all the big giant red hearts all over the stores, and the advertisements showing the smiling perfect couple dressed in the perfect clothes at the perfect restaurant. It’s making me nauseous.

Not that Bobby and I were really big Valentine’s Day fans to begin with. Of course in the beginning of our relationship he would spend a month’s rent to send me 2 dozen red roses to work on Valentine’s Day, which quickly went the way of the dodo bird once we had a mortgage. After that, my gift consisted of whatever he could find at CVS on his way home from work, which was fine with me because I was at Shop-rite doing the same thing. All in the name of marital bliss.

This is not my first Valentine’s Day without him. (You can read about my first one here.) However, while I was sad last year, I am more disgusted this year. And maybe a little bitter, too, which I hate to admit to, but there you go. And I am typically not a bitter person! But I really miss those last minute cards and gifts from CVS. I hate being without him every day, and this is just another reminder that I am alone. And the last thing I need is another reminder!