"But I Don't Wannnnnnna......."

I'm not a whiner by nature. Luckily for me, neither are my kids, even when they were toddlers. I never had to listen to that incessant whining that kids tend to do, and my mom says she didn't have to listen to it either, when I was little. I guess it runs in the family.

However, there are times when I want to whine. I want to stomp my foot. I want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream, "But I don't wannnnnnna...." What is it that I don't want to do?

Heal.

Well, it's sort of a quandary for me...it's something that I want to do, at least in my head, but not-so-much in my heart. I get so aggravated when someone tells me how great I'm doing. Instead of accepting the compliment gracefully, all I want to do is stomp my foot and scream, "But I don't want to heal...stop saying that!" I can't help but feel that healing means that I've forgotten about Bobby; the love that we had for each other; and the life that we shared. If I heal, then I am dissing him and our past.

But am I?

I am, as they say, caught between a rock and a hard place. I want to heal, but if I heal does it mean I'm forgetting about him? Am I saying to the world, "Look, I didn't need him. I'm fine without him!" That is not the person I want to be. I want to honor him always, with everything I choose to do.

But if I don't heal, am I portraying a woman who is weak with a codependent personality who can't make sensible decisions, raise her boys and live on her own? I don't want to be that person, either.

I wish there was a third choice. Maybe I'll have to invent it.