Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney and Co.

I always feel so let down when I come across something that I forgot about that Bobby left before he died. I really wish I could get to that point where I smile, instead, but it still makes me sad, 29 months later.

I have TIVO, and for those who are not familiar with TIVO, it's a DVR system that allows you to record programs from TV. There is a feature that allows you to set "Season Passes" by keywords...for example, if you like snowboarding, you could type in "snowboarding" and TIVO will record programs that it finds about snowboarding (based on the descriptions provided by the networks). You could also record by actor name and several other choices. You can then turn the season passes on and off as needed without deleting them.

I was looking through the season passes today to see if I had set a season pass for a particular program. When the list came up on the screen, there they were...all the season passes Bobby had set before he died. He loved old movies, so he had season passes set for Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney, Gary Cooper, Fred Astaire, and so many others from the same era.

I had that strange feeling again...the one that for a split second transports me back to the love and contentment I felt when he was alive, then suddenly thrusts me back into the present where he is no longer. I then have to go through all the feelings again, the feelings I've felt in the last 29 months, all over again, only this time on fast-forward, coming out on the other side feeling very sad....again.

Why can't I just see reminders of him and smile? When is that going to happen?