Sunday, July 4, 2010

Math Homework

It's weird when math homework can save you. What could this possibly mean?

School is out now, but when school was in, I would come home from work around the same time that my kids would arrive home, (I'm a teacher), and go to bed. Not literally under the covers, sleeping, but I would just lie on my bed and flip through the stations watching anything that I could find. I had no desire to do anything. Sometimes I would just lie there and watch TV, other times I would lie there and cry.

There was one particular day where I was having a really hard time. I was lying on my bed, just crying and crying, and I couldn't stop. Then my younger son, in 6th grade, came into my room and quietly said, "Mommy, I have a math test tomorrow. I have to study." I always helped him study, so I got up, wiped my face, and helped him study for his test. This happened on other days, too, whether it was a science test, a social studies project or a ride to an activity or a friend's house. I would be lying on my bed crying, and one of the kids needed something, so I would have no choice but to pick myself up and carry on.

My kids are oblivious to this. They have no idea how much they have helped me get through the last couple of months. They think that it is just me helping them. They don't realize the avenue is going both ways.

The big test was last week. They went to camp. I picked them up yesterday and I was so happy to see them and I'm so happy to have them home. I managed to get through the week alone, visiting friends and taking care of some much needed paperwork that had to be done. In order to feel less alone, I kept the TV on, even though I wasn't watching it, which is something I've never really had to do before when Bobby was alive, but not at home. I guess I needed Regis and Kelly for company.

But throughout all this "progress", if that is what you want to call it, I'm still so very lonely. I'm off to a BBQ today, and although I'll be surrounded by people, I'm still going to be all alone.

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