Friday, June 4, 2010

Bobby Stuff

I had to hand in my husband's laptop to work today. I felt horrible handing it in. Even though I know it belongs to the district, and that it was never technically "his", I felt like I was letting a little piece of him go. It bothered me.

I guess I would feel a lot worse, if I were giving away his wedding band, his watch, or his wallet. I wear his wedding band every single day on a chain around my neck. His clothes are still hanging in the closet and his sweaters are still folded in his drawer. When my son was playing the sax at his school band concert, he had to wear a tie, so he chose one of my husband's ties. While I was happy to have my son wear one of his ties, I made sure that the tie was put back in the exact spot where my husband had hung it.

I also wear his clothes. I wear his bathrobe in the morning after my shower. The black silk one with the dragon on the back of it...his favorite. I wear his clothing to bed. I was wearing his pajama pants & one of his fleeces to bed every night until the weather got too hot, then I switched to his T-shirts. My youngest son wears one of my husband's shirts to bed every night. My older son had another band concert today, so he is wearing one of my husband's good pair of socks and the same tie. And before he died, he hung one of his jackets on a hook on the back of the bathroom door. It's still there. I cannot bring myself to take it down. Leaving these things where they are give me comfort.

However, his wallet, comb, toothbrush, and razor made me really sad to look at. I cannot understand why these items upset me while the other items comfort me? I stashed these items in his top drawer, so I don't have to see them constantly, because seeing them would make me burst out into tears. If I need to see them or hold them, I know that they are right there in the top drawer. And from time to time, I have gone over there and taken his things out, just to hold for a moment.

I see no reason to rush to get rid of his stuff. It hurt to hand in his laptop. And that was not even something that really belonged to him.

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