Thursday, June 10, 2010


It's been a few days since I've written on this blog. It has not been a good couple of days at all. And now it is 6:35 am on Thursday morning and I don't want to get up. (I'm still lying in bed with my laptop.) I have to get my son up and ready for the day and I don't even want to get up. I have no desire to do anything anymore except surf the net and watch TV. I thank God for my kids because without them, I probably wouldn't even bother getting up anymore.

Yesterday was especially horrible. My husband and I worked for the same employer and he was head of IT. He used to send out emails to "All Users" with his "signature" (name, title, extension, etc.) at the bottom whenever there was something going on with the network. Well, yesterday, I got an email to "All Users" from the new head of IT. I saw the title at the bottom of the email and fell apart. The new guy who got the job is a great guy, I like him a lot, and my husband did too. In fact, my husband would be really happy to hear that he's the one that got the position. However, it killed me to see the title on someone else, and that had he still been alive, that email would have come from him.

Then I started going back into my emails and was reading some old emails from my husband, from as far back as 2006. I found one that included a link to a retirement community in the south that he thought might be a nice place for us to live. He included a list of why this particular place would be nice. I started crying all over again because back in 2006 we were so happy thinking about our future together. We had so many plans of what we were going to do when retired and the kids were on their own. We were really looking forward to that time when it would be the two of us together, doing fun things. Now I am dreading my kids leaving. I know they have to leave someday, and I certainly would not get in their way of living their own lives, but now it's going to be me, alone, when they are gone. I know a lot of people live full lives on their own, but all I can think about is the severe loneliness that I will have to deal with, instead of the fun future that Bobby and I planned.

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