Tuesday, June 1, 2010

He is NOT a Goldfish

Death is NOT divorce. I cannot believe how many people have already told me "don't worry, you will find someone else". WHAT?!?! He's gone seven weeks and already they're writing him off. And two of them did it AT THE WAKE. He was in his casket, less than 10 feet away from me (if that) and I was told twice that I would find someone else. That I could replace him like a goldfish.

Well, here's a newsflash, folks. I don't want anyone else. I cannot believe that anyone would even think to say that to me. It's not like we got divorced and can't stand to think about each other. I mean, I still love him. I'm still "married" on my FB page and I still wear my wedding band. I can't take it off. In my heart, I'm married to the love of my life.

In addition to the two people that said something AT THE WAKE (of which I am still in shock), another friend, who couldn't make it to the wake contacted me later on and the first thing she said was, "I'm so sorry. But don't start comparing every guy to him. Your next relationship will be different, and it wouldn't be fair to the guy to constantly be compared." WHAT?!?! Truthfully, when you've had the best, you could care less about the rest.

Then there was the meanest of all, and this came from a guy who actually liked my husband....and shed a tear or two at the wake. I was talking to a young woman at a social function and telling her all about the pictures I have in the house and how I put one up at work, and how I ordered a charm necklace from a company that has his fingerprint on it. The fingerprint is of his left ring finger, and I wear his wedding band on a chain around my neck. The next thing I know, her father, who has been half-listening to our conversation, says to me, "Look, I hate to say this.." (then don't) "...but the harsh reality is that Bob is gone and he is not coming back. You can't live in a museum dedicated to him. You have to put that stuff away and find a man." I was so insulted and angry that I had to bite my tongue and hold on to my chair because I was ready to strangle him but I wasn't going to do so in front of his daughter. I simply said, "But if I am happy and comfortable living in what you call a museum, isn't that all that counts?" And he said, "Heroine addicts are happy when they are on heroin. Does that make it OK?" I could not believe it. I was floored. I told him that comparing my situation to heroin addicts is like comparing apples and oranges and he just shook his head.

This insult was twofold as far as I'm concerned. First of all, I don't need the harsh "reality check"...I'm living it every single day. Second of all, why in hell do I "need a man" to be happy? Seriously?? As if to say a single woman cannot be a happy woman?

Being single certainly is not my choice. I still feel married anyway...married to Bobby. I want to be married to him, and not anyone else. And like I said before, when you've experienced the best, to hell with all the rest.


  1. I cannot speak on behalf of other people's ignorance, only that it is ignorance and I am sorry that you have to add this insult to your already difficult situation. If my opinion counts, I think you need to do whatever you need to do. Even if that means sculpting Bobby's image out of macaroni - actually, I think he would have gotten a kick out of that. Anyway, my point is, everyone has their way of dealing with things. Nobody should judge you and try not to judge yourself. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I think it's great that you can express yourself on this blog and I think people can really benefit from your words. Due to the fact that men die earlier than women, the majority of married women will be in your place some day. Though I am not there now, your words give me reason to reflect and I thank you for that. As for those "others", if you can, stay away from that toxic energy and try to gravitate towards people who don't judge, try. We are here and we love you.

  2. My husband died 5 months ago. I have very similar feelings to your's. Especially the "when you've experienced the best ..."

    I have gotten the museum speech countless times- it makes me so angry. If these people lecturing us could experience the death of their love- I think they'd drop the "museum" line immediately.